Quarter Life

eek...

2005-06-15T14:03:00.000Z

still haven't told the boy. feeling rather negative about it and him. sad. know that i'll have to do it soon but some information was brought to my attention which threw me off a bit and i decided to delay the approach. cannot find basis for information.

:(

2005-06-03T13:52:00.000Z

i don't know if anyone ever reads this. sometimes i wonder about that. i'm assuming at the moment that no-one does so i'm going to have a heartspill (which is somewhat like an oilspill except that it doesn't harm marine wildlife). I am in love. This is disasterous. You would think that I had grown out of this type of behaviour. But no, no, I enjoy causing myself pain and anguish. I love that cold, empty misery at the bottom of my stomach that sucks all the joy out of life. I'm like someone who has a compulsion to dive into drained swimming pools, always hoping that this time - there'll be some water at the bottom. I'm being melodramatic.

Anyway, so i'm in love. I realised this at 7am this morning while lying on my futon looking out at the morning sky (which was bright blue, by the way, yet managed to turn grey by the time i ventured outside). I love the boy. We've been together for six months - i should have seen this coming. The problem being that now that I've realised this, I have to tell him. And I don't want to tell him because i'm terrified that perhaps he doesn't love me. In which case, I'll have to leave him. Which I don't want to do...because I love him. The argument is chewing on its own tail right about now.

Its quite obvious to me that I've loved him for quite some time, but have withheld the information from myself in the knowledge that I wasn't able to deal with it. Being in love comes with responsibilities, most of them being to yourself. I am now responsible for protecting myself from heartbreak. I am responsible for making sure that I have some control over what happens and I'm responsible for being honest with myself and with him. So, I have to tell him. Because if I don't, then I'll be lying to both of us. And if he can't love me...I'll have to end it - because if I let myself continue loving someone who won't love me back then I'm telling myself that I don't deserve better.

I've just inhaled water and now I'm coughing. Yes, but I'm not going to tell him for another 10 days. I need time to mull this over...

why i hate big brother

2005-06-02T14:45:00.000Z

ma tummi is rumbuhlin. actually, it's not actually making any noise but it hurts and is threatening to give me that sick, too tight feeling that i get when i need food. the problem being that when i feel sick i can't eat and only gets hunglier and hunglier. only another hour of being here and then i can go home. although that's a bit dull....

i've stayed in every night this week (its thursday now) and all i got was a taste for horribly crass realusoaps (my new word) and the suspicion that i'm over-rested. Big brother has unfortunately recommenced. It's strangely addictive however and the characters this year are particularly offensive to my sensibilities. Anyone who would choose to be locked in a house with absolutely nothing to do for weeks on end deserves to be considered offensive. Most people would only expect such tragedy to befall them were they to commit some heinous crime or other and land themselves in a penetentiary (as the americans like to call them). To my knowledge being objectionable is not yet a crime. Willingly subjecting yourself to such an experience, however, is surely a result of some sick longing to be observed and I would think a rather unsubtle hint that there may be some psychopathic tendencies at work. These people are not only self-obsessed, violently insecure and painfully vulgar...they're impossible not to watch.

Worryingly, the only other thing that seems to be on tv is Celebrity Love Island which is, surprisingly, far worse than big brother. Although the contestents are about equal in terms of intellect, sophistication, desperation and moral fibre --- those on celebrity love island are considered mildly famous by the general public (I stress mildly) which is worrying. I may have to opt-out of modern society.

I'm being even more annoying than them today. It's just all this resting it's making me cranky and prematurely conservative. Although I still stand by what i say about big brother and its tasteless siblings.

hangover cures

2005-05-31T15:31:00.000Z

still recovering from sunday's hangover - am currently experiencing profound lethargy and tendency to give students evil glares.

in order to encourage my recovery - i am going to go to marks and spencers after work today and buy leaves of baby spinach and strawberries. I am making a blue cheese and sausage salad with roasted red peppers and sundried tomatoes. The strawberries are for after. As i live toute seule, there will be no need to share (not that blue cheese and sausage is everyone's favourite salad combination). I am having an evening of me (but will probably get bored and ring cassie to come round as she lives round the corner).

desperate housewives is on ce soir.

ow...

2005-05-30T15:21:00.000Z

I crawled out of bed this morning - reluctantly. Gingerly, I shuffled to work, hoping that the contents of my stomach remained there. I got to work early and put my head down on the desk - the room began to spin so i opened my eyes again but they were like lead. My stomach was sickened and fragile. I had a mother of a hangover.

It's not really my fault. I went to Sunday brunch at Dan's house. So that was about 12 or so. There were about 8 of us at the rather civilised gathering, including a married couple which I always find frightening. We were drinking tea and having a fry while sitting in the sunshine being very civilised...and then there were strawberries. Unfortunately mine came in a glass of champagne. 10 hours later - I wobbled into a taxi and went home.

This morning I thought I was going to pass out in the classroom. I'm quite sure that alcohol must have been coming out my pores. I feel horrible...although it's 4pm now so I feel much better than earlier when i was in such a bad state that I couldn't pick up the pen to write on the board. Once i had a big mac i was feeling much better. i know mcdonalds is not the healthiest food choice but a stomach full of alcohol calls for a lot of grease and salt.

Also feel depressed which among the unpleasant effects of my typical hangover. Haven't been this bad since the Christmas party.

revised attitude to football

2005-05-26T14:13:00.000Z

i was having a quiet night in last night with my friend cassie. we were flicking through the channels looking for will and grace (which is always on somewhere). Left with only a choice between episodes of "How Clean is Your House?" and "When Good Sharks Go Bad" we decided to watch the football for five minutes. We started watching just after half time. Milan were winning 3-0 and both teams looked bored. I was bored looking at them. In Cassie's immortal words "they're playing like me on a Saturday night" i.e. not scoring. Then in the next 10 minutes Liverpool scored 3 goals and suddenly Cassie and I were borderline hooligans. Admittedly, we spent the rest of the match waiting for the excitement of the first ten minutes to be revisited which it never was but watching well-groomed men sweat is not the worst way to pass a couple of hours.

I also believe that women are louder than men when watching football. Furthermore, in between shouts of 'pass the ball, you tool' or 'your goal is at the other end of the pitch' they also like to rate players' sex appeal and offer practical style advice - "a few well placed bobby pins would prevent his hair from flapping in his face"...

football

2005-05-25T13:34:00.000Z

the boy has returned from his illicit week of football on the continent. i hate football. I hate watching it, i can't play it and the thought of it makes me feel queasy. unfortunately for me and my love life, the finals of the european champions league are on tonight. hoo-ray! i've been informed by people who understand such things that this is an important night in the lives of all those poor unfortunates who are obsessed with the game. this means no boy for me tonight. maybe if i love the boy, i should start loving football? or maybe just football players...i think i can love football players...or at least their legs...

jeans during the day...

2005-05-24T14:09:00.000Z

I am going to be a student again! woo hoo! Actually the amount of debt i'm going to owe at the end of the masters is not quite so woo hoo but i sense that it will be worth it in the long run. So, I'm happy. Life has purpose again and I only have another ten weeks as a TEFL teacher. Ten long, frustrated weeks of forced enthusiasm and sore throats. That makes it sound like i hate teaching. I do love it really but there's no job security, very little money and not enough power (*evil cackle*) although i suspect that as a postgraduate student I'll have absolutely no power at all.

I think it's a terrible idea to do a masters straight after finishing your undergraduate degree. I considered it at the time but didn't feel like studying anymore. It would have been like a 5th year of university. Instead, I'm doing it 4 years after leaving uni, by which stage I am hungry for some brain activity. Bring it on!

europain

2005-05-20T13:33:00.000Z

Generally i'm a europhile. I love Europe as it is generally a bit of a legend and will eventually take over the world. I think Euro money is really cute and I whoop at the TV when it strengthens against the pound. I watch Euronews every morning before work and I wear a t-shirt with the European flag on it to bed. I'd also not-so-secretly love to kick the UK out of the EU for being so down on communal coziness.

The one thing, however, that pushes my adoration of my mother federation to the limit is the Eurovision Song Contest. Sequinned representatives from nations all over Europe competing to win the title of least offensive musical-ish endeavor. I watched the semi-finals last night and was horrified by what I saw. Incidentally, I only watched the semi-finals because my friend Cassie is obsessed with shiny things (of which the eurovision has a plentiful amount). Anyway, the songs are always terrible but that's half of the fun (the other half being the German men in leather catsuits). Yet I upset to note that most countries are singing in English now. Do they not realise that it's better if no one can understand?! The Irish sibling duo were particularly loathsome and should have sung in Irish like in the good old days. That way no one would have known that the lyrics of the song were actually 'love can build you up, love can let you down, love can make you happy, this is what i've found'. (Seriously, not joking.) Even the irish dancers in the background looked tacky and low-grade. I would have been ashamed to call myself irish but there wasn't another nationality on the stage that I would have been proud to replace it with. Except hungarian maybe. They had 6 bald men in tight pvc trousers.

Another thing - since when are Israel in Europe? Nothing against israel but one would think that being sandwiched between syria and egypt might rule them out of being qualified to enter the eurovision. I certainly did not see Saudi Arabia or Lebanon on that stage. But if Israel gets an invite, I think it's a tad unfair to leave the rest of the Middle East out. It's discrimination is what it is.

the study room

2005-05-19T13:48:00.000Z

The study room is where i sit for three hours every day (from 2-5) and do very little while getting paid for it. This is not as easy as it sounds because it's warm and i occasionally nod off which apparently is a firable offence. Technically I'm supposed to supervise the students as they use the computers to make certain that they're not implanting viruses on the hard-drive or partaking in viewage of undesirable websites. In reality, I mostly just sit up here and study French while growling at students who attempt to ask me questions about the past perfect continuous. I feel sorry for many of my students - none of whom actually do any study in the study room - that they spend all three hours of the afternoon up here with me. If I wasn't getting paid for this, I'd be out there in the world doing things. But all of them are foreign and many are Chinese. They don't integrate well and have difficulty adjusting to the culture. They don't even mix with other nationalities in the school. Sometimes I think they're sweet and vulnerable but often that blankness makes me shake with frustration. I want to scream at them to get out of here and do something! anything but sitting here for endless hours letting the screen bore holes in their eyes until their muscles become stiff and rusted with disuse.

Computers upset me. They let you avoid life.

mid-week horrors

2005-05-18T13:34:00.000Z

its cloudy. the boy is in spain. my students cannot pronounce the /th/ sound. i'm on a spider solitaire losing streak and I ate pasta for breakfast which has now given me indigestion. hopefully this day will pick up at some point. I also have an odd numbness and tingling in two of my fingers. Went on-line to research said numbness and discovered that i could have any number of ailments, the most likely being carpal tunnel syndrome. My other alternative was diabetes which is serious (I always shy away from the life-threatening) but bad circulation just wasn't dramatic enough. Maybe its a repetitive strain injury. I'm convinced my wrists are at an odd angle on this keyboard. Isn't carpal tunnel something to do with repetitive strain. I'd ask a doctor but i enjoy self-diagnosis too much.

skipping right to old age

2005-05-17T13:31:00.000Z

Clearly, a web log on the subject of weather would be less than facinating...but sometimes I think it's what i spend most of my day mulling over. I always make inappropriate clothing choices with the effect that I end up feeling uncomfortable for most of the day. Early this morning there wasn't a cloud in the sky and the sun was beating through my window. Out came the linen dress and cute little cardie. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't see the arctic wind through my window and have spent a large portion of today shivering. Tomorrow, I'm wearing ridiculously thick jumpers.

Pet hate du jour: people who are too lazy to write full words and plague me with annoying textesque chat such as 'dat is gr8' and other totally useless abbreviations. admittedly i'm averse to appropriate capitalisation so i'm sure something about pots and kettles could be said. Actually, the only thing that annoys me more than the 'c u l8r' nonsense is when anyone over the age of 18 does it. This makes me sound old and crabby - i can here my inner octogenerian beating her way to the front of my psyche with a spiky cane. When did i get so old that i actually started making 'tut tut' noises when i see teenagers playing tonsil hockey in broad daylight? I'm upset by my quick transformation from slightly rebellious, socialist, sexually-charged teen into prematurely-aged 26 year old. Actually, i was more liberal than socialist. I think if I wear fishnet tights, it'll make me feel better. My legs will be warmer anyway. If that doesn't work...i've been considering learning how to knit. I'm not joking. I think it would be stress-relieving.

But on a less crabby note - i have been accepted into the masters degree of my choice. It's an MEconSc which sounds long and impressive. This will mean being broke for the rest of my life as the entire endeavour is likely to cost me huge bucketloads of cashish that I just don't have. I'll be intellectually impoverished. That's always fashionable. Plus, I rather fancy the idea of being a student again - it will help me reconnect with my inner-sulky-16yearold.

monday weather

2005-05-16T13:40:00.000Z

No matter how many years I live in Ireland, I am constantly amazed by the psychotic weather. It's got meteorological ADD. So...it's sunny...yes, with some wind thrown in...and that's just not interesting so we'll up the wind to gale force and throw down some hailstones...bored again, how about just a grey sky with some drizzle? Yawn, anyone for a blizzard? We do have the cutest rainbows though.

I fell asleep in class today. Which is unfortunate considering I'm the teacher. I wasn't asleep so much as resting my eyelids on the table while dreaming that a giant sandworm was chasing me through the Kalahari. My students would have noticed if they were awake themselves. This lethargy is without doubt a side-effect of the mist that has descended upon the island. It sounds romantic...but its not. It just makes you sleepy. I'm combatting this fatigue by popping baby cherry tomatoes into my mouth at regular 30 second intervals. Soon, there will be no more and I may have to nap.

when I'm 104

2005-05-13T22:30:00.000Z

Konichiwa. Ni hao. Salut. I have decided to track my quarter-life crisis. Really I think one's life is nowt but a prolonged crisis, starting with the aesthetic disaster that is the birthing process. This said however, the mid 20s are proving to be a little bit tricky. I liken it to being abandoned in a jungle to fend for oneself surrounded by bananas and looking for a coconut. Bananas, in this scenario, representing things I could do with my life but don't want to. The coconut being the ideal. It may, however, be but a mythical fruit/nut and I will have to settle for a life of bananas...meanwhile...the bananas are getting blacker and soon will be inedible, leaving me broke and wishing that I wasn't in the bloody jungle in the first place. This makes sense in my head.

On another note, the term quarter-life may be a misnomer. Unless, I live to be 104 - in which case I'm bang on the money. With the stress levels I have this week - I'll be lucky if I make it to 30. I'd settle for a punnet of strawberries...